[Xmas Day 8] Do You Audit Your Friendships, Just Like You Would Audit Your Bank Balance?
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me..
Hello, friends of Yours,Yan
đ On the eigth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me..
Friendship AuditÂ
Friendships are a strange thing in our society.Â
We may not really âneedâ them, but to have them makes a world of difference in our lives!Â
When we came into this world, we were often taught to get a good education, get a good job, find a good life partner and settle down. Rarely are we taught to look for quality lifelong friendships. Perhaps this is the product of our modern day cultural upbringing or an instinctive need to procreate, or both.Â
I am not why or when, but for as long as I can remember, I have always sought for the real friendships as seen during the Medieval times, when brotherhoods and sisterhoods were valued as equal, if not more than familial kinship.Â
I am not talking about friendships that we meet every other holidays or birthdays, and laugh over superficial topics like career, kids, politics, latest movies, anti-aging or weight loss tips. Though there is nothing wrong with these, of course.Â
Instead, I am referring to those best friendships that really dig deep into our souls for our growth, telling us what we may be afraid to see or cannot see, supporting us during those critical moments of our lives.Â
I thought I was the weird one who often think about finding quality best friendships, when my best friends and associates around me seem to focus more on getting married, having children, cruising by in life with distractions and planning for retirement.
Until one day, I chanced upon a book written by a Christian psychologist - Dr. John Townsend. The book is called âHow to be a Best Friend Foreverâ.
This book has not only âvalidatedâ my observations about the role of friendships in todayâs society, but also changed my perspectives on the kind of friendships we should have at various stages of our lives, if we really want to live healthier and happier lives.Â
Note: In my opinion, this is not about preaching or proselyting. Rather, the emphasis is on the practical skills on how to build the kind of friendships that give life to us, and not take life away from us.Â
The Real BFFriendships
In the book, he elaborates on the 3 types of friendships we should have in our lives for various reasons and seasons, as well as the "categories" each of these friendships belong to. They are Fs, BFs, and BFFs. (Friends, best friends, best friend forever).Â
BFFs in particular struck a chord in my heart - as I often heard this term being used too flippantly in todayâs society.Â
BFFs, according to Townsend, are our lifeline friends. He calls them the ones in our âHall of Fameâ. They are âmore vital than we can imagineâ, the kinds where we say, âI probably wouldnât be here without him/her. Like, Here here on earth.â
He further explained to have friends becoming BFFs take intentional effort, time, truth, grace and a lot of boundary practice. A LOT! (By the way, he is also the co-author of another life-changing book on building better relationships of any kind entitled, Boundaries)Â
I loved how he explained brilliantly through his clinical experiences, how that may look like in practical sense, and how to go about growing them without hurting ourselves and others intentionally or unintentionally.
In particularly, one of the activities he found that was useful in helping us build BBFs is this thing called a âFRIENDSHIP AUDITâÂ
Shift from Howâs Life To How Are We?Â
A friendship audit is conducted periodically, say once a year or so, depending on how you and your friend(s) feel. The intention and goal has to be set before the âauditâ begins, and not a âHowâs life?â kind of catch-up.Â
Instead, in a friendship audit, we intentionally talk to our friends and check in with them how are WE doing, as friends.Â
This definitely is uncomfortable and uneasy to do because, again, societal conditioning do not teach us to talk like that, but I truly thought that was such a brilliant activity to conduct between friends, or those we may feel are our friends.Â
I recognized that most of us are living in a world where our communication skills are severely lacking (this includes both listening and articulating), due to reasons such as guilt, shame, rejection, abandonment, and we hide these via all sorts of behaviors, mostly controlling parent style, rebellious-child, passive-aggressiveness, obsessive-compulsive, addictive, Pollyanna, avoidance and so on.Â
Or sometimes we are not ready to face or hear what might come up, as the cogwheels in our head start telling us all the possible bad things that may surface, such as âoh dear, he/she is going to talk about that timeâŠ. he/she is going to tell me this and thatâŠhe/she is going to see right through me that I âŠâÂ
I know I have been guilty of this many times.Â
But Why Do A Friendship Audit?Â
Think about it, when it comes to our finances, we do not think twice about auditing our bank balances! We check our incoming sources and outgoing expenses. We think about where we can cut any unnecessary expenses that no longer serve us, and we think about ways to increase our incoming resources, all with the end goal of, increasing our bank balance at the end of each month, year or in a decade.Â
Similarly, if a friendship truly matters to us, or better yet, if we want to have more quality friendships, a friendship audit is definitely a worthy activity to try, ideally at your own pace.Â
How Did Mine Turn Out?
I must admit now. I would love to conduct more friendship audits with my friends, yet I can tell they arenât ready to sit with me. Or could it be my own deep-seated fears at play, thus preventing me from doing this very thing my soul desire?Â
đ DAY 8 GIFT FOR YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING
Do you have 180 seconds to spare?
Simple is good. Nothing fancy.Â
I like to invite you, just for today, to check in on the relationships in your life.
Friendship, kinships, marriage, colleagues, romantic, etc.
Where do you think you feel ready to do an relational audit?Â
đ Your Turn
Have you read Townsendâs book before?Â
Do you have friendships that are your âlifelinesâ?Â
How did you come about having them?Â
If this is very private, you may email me at yanhuangwriter [at] gmail [dot] com. Â
Either way, I would love to hear your feelings on this.Â
Till Day 9 of Xmas-gifting,
Yours,
Yan â€ïž
PsstâŠRead and find out what my true love gave to me on
[Day 1] My 12 Days of Christmas Gift For Your Health and Well-Being
[Day 2] What I Have Been Noticing In The Wellness Space And It Is Irking The He** Outta MeÂ
[Day 3] What Do You Call The Spirit That Is In The Air, The Feeling That We All Share?
[Day 5] A Secret Tool That May Help You Stay In Your Lane For The New Year
[Day 6] How To Find Balance in Heightened Emotions For The Rest of The Year
[Day 7] How A Perfectionist Found The Courage to Collaborate
đ QUOTE FOR THOUGHT
âGood friends can do a world of good in preventing smaller things from becoming big thingsâŠ[and this] connection comes from being open and vulnerable, and allowing yourself to feel a need for the other person. Best friends can make you a better person, enrich your life, and help heal other relationships in your life.â
â Dr. John Townsend
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