Don’t Be That Guy (Or Girl) That People Just Badmouth For Life
Have you ever a met a person like that on a dating app?
“What’s stinkier than a decaying body?”
2021 was a year of solitude, isolation, and healing for me.
I was perpetually tired despite sleeping for 12-14 hours a day. Adding onto that, my lower back pain was back with a vengeance that mostly “disabled” me.
Basic activities of daily living were torturous. For the active and active-at-heart, you might be able to relate the tug of war to adjust to this discomfort. I am referring to that nagging pain when you bend slightly forward over the sink to brush your teeth or wash your face; or from getting up from the floor. I sleep on the floor, so the vertical distance is larger than getting out of the bed.
But all that changed at the turn of 2022, to be more accurate on the 28th December 2021.
I received a text message at 345pm.
“Yan, wake up! Shit has hit the fan!!! You need to pack now. I am coming from the office. Picking you up in 15 min.”
I just woke up for 30 minutes, sipping a small cup of coffee as a way to start my “day”.
What came after the next 14 days was like scenes in a primetime television drama.
Whatever you think may not happen in real life, happened, right before my eyes.
One of my childhood friends, whom we call one another “besties”, had a crisis with her then-boyfriend. They met on a popular dating app a year ago. For several months, she felt something was “off” with him. But she couldn’t quite put a finger on the exact thing that was bothering her.
8 weeks before,
she had been struggling to find a sense of inner peace with her intuitive decision of calling quits on the relationship. But she felt perhaps it was her work stress that clouded her emotions.
To add to the complexity of the situation, he was staying at her place which made breaking up a mess.
As a grown-ass man, he was living off my friend in every possible way. He paid no rent, lived off her on groceries, utilities, Nespresso, and did not do any house chores. As a boyfriend, he gave no emotional support too. When we thought about how he “failed” as a boyfriend, and housemate, what he did next revealed his true colors as a person.
He forged a tenancy agreement with her signature and the relevant authority’s logo stamp! In the agreement, it stated that if she wanted him out within a month, she would have to pay him one month’s equivalent of “rent”. There was also no hard date for him to move out.
That move tripped my friend!
I got the text message, packed some essentials, and waited to be picked up by my friend. Her brother came along. We figured it was better to have a man around.
The next 7 hours
were emotionally and mentally draining for my friend.
I was in a “first responder”-cum-best-friend mode, ready to bring out my “buns and guns” if he became violent.
When we first approached him and asked him to leave, he was sitting at the messy dinner table with his laptop. A mess he created for months. All the air-conditioning and lights in the house were switched on. And it was still a bright day in sunny Singapore.
Imagine a woman coming back to her own place of rest and respite that was dirty, messy, and had the presence of someone who created that!
Predictably, he refused to leave. He smugly cited he had a “tenancy agreement” so there’s nothing we can do about him.
We asked again and told him if he refused to leave, we would call the police. He was relentless and probably thought that my friend would be soft-hearted and not call the police.
But we did. She did.
Within 30 minutes, 2 junior police officers came. As there wasn’t any domestic violence or theft, the police seemed out of wits. (Talking about the rigidity of red tapes!)
At this point, my friend was so exhausted and started breaking down. She was so sure, after everyone left, (even though I would stay over), the man would kill her tonight. He was diagnosed with bipolar back in his home country, which he chose not to declare in Singapore, to increase his chances of remaining here.
I wasn’t sure if my friend was acting dramatic or if she really meant it at that moment — but all I knew and saw was this man was not only unfit to be a boyfriend, a friend, a housemate, but at the core, he had a bad heart.
To me, he was a conman and a crook. My gut was so sure that he had conned a lot of people in his life, as I grew up witnessing my uncle being the same, tearing my mum and others for years.
For some reason, the junior police officers decided to call in an investigator officer (IO) to interrogate him.
Within 40 minutes, the IO arrived at the scene.
The next an hour flew by fast like scenes from a drama.
The man was pacing up and down as if he was packing.
IO came in, observed around, and asked my friend some questions.
IO approached the man who had been pacing around, to stop and hand over his mobile phone, iPad, laptop, wallet, and identity card.
IO asked him to step out of the premise to interrogate him.
We were expecting him to jump and shout or tried to run.
He did not.
He complied with the IO and 2 new police officers who came in earlier to swap shifts with the previous officers.
My friend, her brother, and I remained in the kitchen while the IO was doing his job.
We weren’t sure what to do. I wasn’t sure either, to be honest. All I knew was my friend definitely needed as much help as possible. Though I couldn’t afford to give financial aid, I could give my time and energy.
About an hour later, the IO returned and broke the news to us that he had confessed that the tenancy agreement had been forged.
They would arrest him and be sent to the station immediately without his belongings. This gave us some time to pack his belongings and check if he had taken anything that belonged to my friend.
Some sigh of relief for my friend.
However, the trauma he caused was real.
She had been failing at her work because of this, and couldn’t take any more off days to recuperate.
I assured her to leave the house to me. I would take care of the mess, clean up the house and restore it to its “former glory days” like before as much as I can. She just needed to take care of her work matters.
If there was anything I have learned about going through trauma was to take a day at a time, and sure we did.
And wow, I was astonished at what my body and mind can do at times.
With a back that was breaking me for most parts of 2021, I managed to pack his belongings into cartons and carry them out of her house. I cleaned, mopped, and washed most parts of her living space (minus the toilets) before the 31st Dec as she had agreed to a mini-count-down potluck with the neighbors.
Sometimes, we really ought to give ourselves more credit. :P
While all these cleanings were unfolding, we were still somewhat worried about what may come next.
A few days after he was arrested, my friend received news that he had been released on bail by his business partner, who thought that he did nothing wrong. As the police investigation was ongoing about his forgery, he was not allowed to step near her residence premises.
However, we couldn’t help but worry that he would return. Like the boogieman in the wardrobe.
My friend was worried that he was stalking her and would show up at her office or carpark when she least expected it.
Did you think he returned? …
Never, not once.
Now, 5-months had passed.
She had managed to get back some 60% of her life. Memories seemed to have gradually faded. We both agreed that where our attention goes, our energy flows. She decided not to spend an ounce of mental and emotional energy on the past.
Yet in our recent and rare gathering with another bestie whom we haven’t met for 3 years, this story came up. Even though my friend wasn’t as emotional as before, whenever this incident was rehashed, we would line up the series of actions he had done.
To me, this man remained a conman and a crook.
A month ago, my friend received a strange message from his business partner - “No matter what we try to do to help him, he still hasn’t changed.” My friend did not reply nor pay much attention. If one has eyes, ears, and a heart, it was clear that the man hasn’t repented.
I was glad that my friend got out fast and relatively unharmed.
I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t learned any lessons.
I was willing to bet my last dollar that he is on to his next “victim”.
He had become that guy that women will badmouth for life.
How has dating been for you in the post-covid era?
To all above 30 looking for their dates and lovers, I am all up for creative fun and play, but I hope this story taught us to listen to our intuition, especially if we are women.
As women above 30, we all know that our feminine intuition is more often than not accurate, perhaps more so that the AI-powered predictive modeling.
Yet as real human beings, unlike Sophia the humanoid robot, we have original feelings, creativity, consciousness, and morality in us that may make us question our intuition. But that vulnerability is what makes us human because we are not 100% perfect but 100% beautiful.
And if you are a male above 30, I am sure there are horror stories with women, mainly gold-diggers and catfishes? Do share some. I would love to hear as well.
P.S. This is by no means a gender debate or score-cards of how many men and women are victims to love scams.
Help! I need your opinion.
Do you think I should publish this story on Medium?
I am not sure if I should double-post, but there are some readers on Medium who do not subscribe to this Substack. Personally, I hate having to read double-posts. LOL. It is just one of my pet peeves to open email inboxes with double posts.
Or what other suggestions do you have? I am all ears and eyes for you.
Till my next (soonest) post,
Yours,
Yan ❤️
Tip me tea so that I quit caffeine or support other writers too.
Appreciate your hearts and comments.
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Your thoughts are welcome too.
Looking forward to hearing from you. Have a great week ahead.
I don't have much to add in the dating scene. It's not a priority for me.
But, if you published here first why not publish on Medium as well? I do it occasionally to attract new subscribers.